Friday, September 24, 2010

One Year Later...

So today has been on my mind a lot. It's not really an anniversary or a celebration but to realize it's been a year. A year from hell I might add. A year of pain, heartache, fear, trials, challenges as well as triumphs, successes and love. It's is crazy to reflect the changes from last year to this year. Some things are the same but others are so different. I can't believe the change physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually we have all gone through.
I don't necessarily like to recall the activities of that day and thanks to my Life Coach Nadeen Rawlings I am not physically reliving it every time I look at Karsen's leg. Through the worst reliving all I could think about was what if I would've gone further he wouldn't be here and then I'd really not know where I'd be right now. That painful thought doesn't come around as often. I do still wish it would've been the dog (not that I don't care for my dogs but if I had to chose well you get it right?)
When I recap and even reread through the blog I have concluded that Karsen has been put under for some sort of surgery now almost 20 times. He endured 10-12 of them in the hospital the 1st 2 weeks. He's kind of a pro now. He no longer freaks out and always wants a popsicle when he wakes up. One of the little things I love is that the nurses worry he won't wake up but the minute he hears my voice he does. He's also had to learn to walk 3 times and soon it will be 4 after his femur heals. I loved when he learned to walk as a baby but the real joy was seeing him walk to Rick last November and again in New York. The joy and emotions are overwhelming. To see him "normal" again.
I try my hardest to stay positive and not dwell on the negative selfish thoughts but the truth of the matter is they are there. I have learned again thanks to Nadeen that my coping method is something we develop as children and mine is to keep it all to myself put on a strong face and just keep moving. I realized that at some of the hardest times I couldn't handle being in the same room with Karsen for fear of losing it but I had to be within hearing distance if he needed me. I have cried many nights wishing my baby wasn't ruined. That he was whole again. I admit I became selfish focusing on taking care of his needs but also my own. Finding escapes that were unnecessary even if it was running to the store with no kids. Sometimes I get angry and wonder why the hell this had to happen. I do believe things happen for a reason and I've asked many times what am I supposed to learn from all of this and when I think I know we are hit with another "life lesson".
My heart aches when I see him struggle. We have let him figure things out and tried not to cater too much so that he will learn. He tries after cruising up and down the stairs to get me to carry him this one last time because he "can't put pressure on his leg" or so he says. It is hard to see him refuse to wear his leg and just want to sit there while everyone plays around him. I struggle a lot with the future, with rejection, ridicule and inability. Simple thoughts of going swimming in a public place and the gawking eyes. I have asked all the weird questions like what if he wants to play a sport and can't or what if the girls don't like him or are repulsed by him. It's such a stupid mind game I hate it.
The good news is is that each day he teaches and inspires me. Some days it is pure patience he teaches me (especially now that he is 100% dependent on me). One day in particular we were sitting in our large front room. I was reading something and Karsen and Jaxon were playing. Karsen had a little where's waldo timer from some fast food joint. Jaxon was running in circles and I challenged him to see how many times he could run through the kitchen, living room and back to where we were before the timer was up. Karsen said "yeah let's race". As I sat and watched I learned an incredible lesson. Karsen didn't have his leg on so he wanted to race on his knees not even crawling. I said ok "Ready, Set, GO!" they both took off and as they reached the doorway to the kitchen (maybe 4 ft from where they started) Karsen stopped as Jaxon hurried around and kept going. Karsen sat there with a scowl on his face. That nurturing part of me as a mother wanted to pick him up and tell him it was ok and give him loves while he was upset but the other part of me decided to stop and observe. As I sat there I watched that scowl and sad look of disappointment do something I've never seen anyone do. Most humans would instantly cry or whine that they aren't good enough or that they "suck". Well Karsen has every right to be angry and frustrated but within 60 seconds he did the exact opposite. He sat there for a few and then looked over at me and saw the timer on the floor and said "Jaxon do it again and I will time you" He crawled over picked up the timer and with the best attitude said "ok ready, set, go". WOW is all I could think. I have never seen a 3 year old do something like that. To change his attitude and find a way to enjoy the fun. It seriously made me wish I was more capable of doing that.
The other day Rick was talking to Karsen and the topic of the accident came up. If you ask Karsen what happened he will still tell you that mommy ran him over with the lawn mower (so much for him forgetting). Rick asked him what he was doing Karsen replied I was following mommy, Rick then asked why (when he knew he wasn't supposed to) he replied I don't know. Rick said why didn't you get out of there Karsen then told him I fell over and then mommy backed up. This thought is heart wrenching to me. To think of how helpless he felt and the fear as well as the pain. It's thoughts and moments like this that tear me down. That hurt the most to think about and again make me question WHY??
When Karsen received his Spica Cast he really didn't want anyone to write on it but one day I thought I'm going to write on the bar. I know we will at least keep that part so I wrote on it "Mommy Loves You" so every time he looks down he will be reminded. A couple days later we were going through each letter and he knows what it says and he told me I want you to put "I love mommy" after it. Being the emotional freak I have been lately just held him so grateful that he does. It sounds so silly but every time he says it my heartache goes away more and more. Every time any of my kids wrap their arms around me and tell me they love me it fills me up more then anything.
Karsen has already touched so many lives in the person that he is and the way he has fought through this. I know that Heavenly Father gave him to us for many reasons. I know that Karsen lived to make a difference. His spirit is that of an incredible one. He keeps our family focused and find gratitude in the little things. I can't tell you how grateful I am that he as a whole person has not been altered. He is still the fun, happy, joking kid he was before he just has a limb missing. Jazmine, Kyliane and Jaxon never cease to amaze me as well. They don't treat him as if he's an alien and they are so thoughtful. After Karsen had his cast put on Jaxon spent the whole morning sitting next to him watching movies, getting toys and even making him giggle.
The have all excelled in school being top readers, great at math and leaders in their classrooms. Jaxon is amazing at Karate. We have tried to keep their lives steady and have things for them since a lot of time and energy goes into Karsen's care.
It is hard to be down and boy have we been down but there are so many things that are positive to focus on. I can't say that I am the best at this but some days I tell myself we are better then this we can overcome this. This has been the hardest year for my life, my existence, our marriage, our finances, everything. But our conclusion is simple...At least we still have each other. We would give up all of our possessions if that meant keeping our family. I am so grateful that Rick still loves me. I know sounds weird but I've heard comments of husbands not sure they could forgive their wife or just simply they'd be so angry. He is my rock that holds me together when I am falling apart. Even though sometimes I hate when I am down and he tells me "it's all good we are gonna get through this" It makes me want to punch him in the face. But I realize what we have made it through this year and to be where we are now as a couple and a family I am positive things will work out fantastic!! (not sure it could get worse) We are fighters!! We are ROCKSTARS!! lol

Thanks again to EVERYONE that has helped us this last year. Through love, prayers, thoughts, friendships, donations, food, hugs, notes and positive vibes. It is you that has helped us to stay strong as well. It takes a village to raise a child so thank you all for helping me raise all 4 of mine to be the best most beautiful children they can be. I wish we knew how to show our gratitude more the everyone. Please know that we love you all and have the utmost respect for your love for us.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Karsen Happens!!

As we come up to Karsen's 4th birthday and 1 year from this horrific accident. We have planned birthday parties and events to celebrate the progress that Karsen has made. Unfortunately we have another 6 week set back.
I took Karsen with some friends to the park and he was playing on a seat that spins.
He sat down on it on our way out. I went to grab my water bottle across the way and heard a child scream "someone stop me, stop me, stop me!!" realizing it was Karsen I ran over as fast as I could to stop him. I was about 5 ft away when he pushed himself off. (Sure wish the two moms standing near him would've helped me out). After getting to him and seeing his leg in a weird position I thought it was just his prosthesis well I was wrong. The lady (standing near him) covered her mouth saying oh my gosh his leg. I assured her it was probably his prosthetic. I rushed over to my friends van taking off his leg while running and him screaming...that heartbreaking cry I heard almost a year ago. I knew something was so wrong. I got his leg off and then laid him down near the car to pull his pants off to get his liner off. When I pulled his pants off I saw his thigh swollen and thought to myself "Please no don't be broken". Unfortunately it was. We put him in the car and rushed to Riverton IHC where they took xray's and said his left Femur was broken. They then transported us via Ambulance to Primaries. Once we arrived there I told them to call Marci his Othopedic Surgeon to at least let her know. She called me while I was there and told me if I could get to Shriner's she could get me in right away if we wait at Primaries it would be 10pm. So my Brother's (who were there waiting for us when we arrived at Primaries LOVE THEM) found us a ride to Shriners. We finally got to Marci. Karsen was comfortable after 4 mg of Morphine and a splint. He wanted to go home and didn't like the description of the Spica Cast he overheard us discussing. I was and still am heartbroken. Our life yet again is altered. We were finally using his leg for everything. He had started preschool and now we are back to square one only to look forward to him learning to walk again.

His cast starts at his chest and goes to his calf on his right side and covers his whole amputated leg. He has an opening to go to the restroom (we've been using a bottle lol). This was the first time any of the doctors working on him had ever done a spica cast on an amputated leg. We now have to worry about his leg shrinking too much and growing improperly. We can make up for it if it does a little with a prosthesis but won't know till we get there.
This poor guy has been through hell. It took him about 24 hours to realize he is completely immobilized and has to depend on Rick and I fully for anything. It's going to be a rough 6 weeks for him but I am grateful for my amazing kids that are willing to sit and play with him. Nothing warms my broken heart then the sound of his laughter with his syblings & visitors.

Thank you Brandon & Tracy for being there for me at the hospital I can't tell you how good it felt to have warm embracing arms to hug. Thanks to Kara, Grandma Debbi and Tali for visiting and helping us (me) with so much. Warm reassuring hugs mean the world even if its partnered with a good cry. Thank you to everyone that has called, email and been there for us even friends of friends and family and strangers. Thank you all!!


After a long recovery we were invited to go to New York to work with Dr. Mike Joyce from Advanced Prosthetics. He is truly an amazing man and did great with Karsen.
We had a few hard spots and up until the last day I was really nervous we'd come home having wasted our time and money. We were running out of time and the cost to get out there was already so much. Thanks to my Mary Kay business I had the opportunity of earning the money to take us there. We didn't have it in our budget just to pick up and go so I am truly grateful to all my family, friends, team members & clients that helped get us there. Thanks to Dallin Larsen, Katy Larsen and Mike Joyce from MonaVie and the M.O.R.E. Project for also helping us get there and get home ;)

We first had a mold made and within 24 hours and getting him up and walking his muscles and leg reacted and grew so we had to create a new mold. We spent over 40 hours hanging out in his office and on the last day they had perfected it. We put Karsen's leg on with no fuss, no fight and no crying. It fit great. We then booked it to the airport and unfortunately missed out flight. So we got to spend one more night at Dr. Joyce's beautiful home. The hospitality of him and his family was incredible.

Dr. Mike Joyce and his amazing staff worked for hours creating a vacuum suction leg for him. We are so grateful for amazing people like these guys!! .

Thomas The Train

Karsen as The Honorary Conductor!!
We had a blast riding the train. Rick, Karsen & Jaxon all got to ride in the Engine. All 3 boys loved it!!
Thanks to Jennifer Day for nominating Karsen and to the great ladies from Good Things Utah!!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Before & After

This is the way Karsen's leg looked before the expanders. You can see the tip of his bone (The white part). The Skin and bone are attached and would not allow any movement which caused blisters and pain when he wore his Transformer leg.

This is the front side.

This is his leg with the Expanders stretching the skin around it so that we could have it reconstructed by taking the skin graft off completely.

This is the results of his long awaited reconstructive surgery. They shortened both bones and took off the skin graft. It looks and feels so much better.

Front side again. Crazy how much they took off but Thankfully it is still at a great length for his New Leg!!

We are leaving Sunday July 25th to take Karsen to see Dr. Mike Joyce from Advanced Prosthetics in Manhasset, NY to get him a new leg that will enhance his performance. Through many blessing and miracles (and the love and support of so many) we are looking forward to him walking again and riding his bike.

Much Love!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The expanders are coming out!!

Tomorrow is the big day a day we have all been anticipating. A while back we realized that Karsen's Skin Graft was sticking to his bone and causing discomfort and scabbing on his leg which made wearing his prosthetic painful. We then put in 2 expanders to help stretch out his good skin to eventually go in and reconstruct the whole thing. Well Wednesday is the big day. They have scheduled him to be at the hospital at 12:45pm which means hungry baby all day. He can have clear liquids like Sprite or Apple Juice. My awesome assistant understanding the stress I'm under went and ran to get me some for him. (They are buds and love each other). I've been scrambling all over trying to get kids situated and Rick's in Vernal working so it's been a lot.
I've been looking forward to this surgery and anticipating it but for some reason I am feeling blah about it. Not sure if its worrying about the outcome if this is the final surgery for a while...Will this really work...How long will it be before he's back on his bike or walking...nervous about staying at the hospital...hoping to not have any triggers that bring it back and take me to that bad place in my head and heart. It's the little things.
The two pictures show the before and after of the expanders. The skinny one shows how his leg looked before we put them in and the other one shows them full. They will take out the expanders, pull off the graft, shorten the bone, then pull the skin all together to create a much better looking leg. This I'm excited about because as you can see it's nasty looking. It makes people feel uncomfortable including me. But I do like to rub it for him to make sure it's not hurting. There will be 2 doctors working on him one (Marcy) to do the stump revision (bone shortening) and then *Faizi will do the reconstruction of the skin. He's the plastic surgeon. Through it all I pray it looks better and feels better.
I will keep you all posted on the for now keep praying for him to continue to have Superman strength and his amazingly positive attitude. Love my little Monkey he is the Best...He even said so himself (after he told me I was) lol.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Karsen gets named Honorary Conductor with Thomas the Train

A good friend of mine sent this letter into Good Things Utah to nominate Karsen as an Honorary Conductor for the Day out with Thomas.


I am not nominating anyone in my family, but would like to nominate the little boy of one of my girlfriends (the picture I attached I got off of their blog). His name is Karsen Mery and he is three years old. I don't have a picture of him in a conductor hat. I wanted to to do this without them knowing, but I thought this little guy's courage, as well as his family's, needed to be recognized. Back in September, just days after his third birthday, Karsen was in a horrible accident. His family had a ride on lawn mower, and his mother didn't see him behind her when she backed up, hitting Karsen. The lawn mower cut off his leg at the knee. He has been through many surgeries, and has had to learn to walk again. His mother has been trying to learn to forgive herself, and the family has been in the process of healing. Karsen is an amazing example of courage and determination. I'll never forget the day I watched a video of him walking for the first time after the accident (with the help of a walker), or watching him struggle getting up the stairs, but so determined to do it and to do it on his own. He is a little hero. I believe the opportunity to be the honorary conductor would mean a great deal to his family, and be a wonderful thing for this brave little man. They do have a blog that they update, specifically about Karsen and his conditions (he just recently had another surgery):

Thank you,

Jennifer Day

She then called me to let me know that Karsen was selected and that they wanted us to appear on Good Things Utah on May 14th. I was very excited but concerned if he could do it because Thomas is here over Memorial Day weekend and Karsen is having his reconstructive surgery on that Friday May 28th. Having my dates confused I was happy when I found out they wanted him there on Thursday May 27th at noon to kick off the event. It works out perfect with his surgery on Friday he will not be able to do much for a little while. He has 6 weeks to heal before he can start fitting for a new leg.

We had fun meeting the Ladies from GTU they were so awesome. If I can figure out the video I will post it. Karsen was shy and terrified of Sir Toppem Hat so hopefully he'll be ready to yell "All Aboard" when he rides the train.

We'd love for anyone to join us for a Day out with Thomas.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


I know it's been a long time and many people have stayed caught up with Facebook but I thought I would explain exactly what we are doing with Karsen's leg. When we did his first surgeries we did a skin graft. The skin took well but has not healed the greatest. The skin graft is stuck to his bone (you can see in the picture). So we are doing skin expanders, they are little bubbles (almost like implants) that have ports where they gradually fill with saline to expand or stretch out the skin. The purpose in doing this is to help create more good skin so that we can completely reconstruct his leg and get the skin unstuck from his bone.This picture is after we put the expanders in...

Its quite the process. We had the first surgery to put in the expanders then we went in a couple weeks later to have them filled. The top one was filled and then they couldn't find the port for the second one so he said we needed to go in surgically and find the port instead of poking around to find it. We scheduled it for the next day (which was today).

Surgery day...They called to schedule the surgery for 10:45 so I planned to go to Harmony with my girls (it's their school singing group I choreograph for). Then went to a Zumba class (there is no better therapy then a fun workout). I got home hurried and got ready and off we went. On the way there I said to Rick "you didn't feed Karsen this morning right?" he said "um yeah he had cereal why?" Well he wasn't supposed to eat after midnight. I didn't tell him that so of course I can't get mad. When we got there they got us prepped in like record time and then said "they are ready for him we just have a few questions...when was the last time he ate?" I told them 8 and they said oh ok and low and be hold they wanted to have him not have eaten for 6-8 hours. Which put us ok for surgery at 2. It was 11:30!! So we went to the play room/pre-op area and hung out. Didn't find the video games till 2:30. 3 hours of just sitting there...
about 3:30 they came and got him took him back and what seemed like forever he was done and awake at 5. What I loved was that he didn't whine once. He pretty much knew exactly what to do and when. He didn't even need versed (sp) a calming drug to go back for surgery and when he woke up he just wanted another popsicle. He was seriously amazing!! A walk in the park.

Here is how his leg looks today. It is going to get bigger over the next three weeks and then we will do a complete reconstructive surgery on May 5th. It is so gross looking but we know its for the best. Just counting down the days to his reconstruction!
My goal is by the time he is healed from this all to take him to Dr. Joyce in NY to do a Vacuum prosthetic. He has offered to help us it is just the cost of getting out there. My personal goal is to earn it by doing Mary Kay parties. So if you want to help and want to party let me know. I have some new fun things I am doing... from glamour makeovers to pedicures.

I just want to make a side note to everyone for the thoughts, prayers, notes, messages and food. You have no idea how much it helps. I have to admit that sometimes dealing with his leg and being at the hospital and whatnot I struggle. I have triggers that put me in a bad place mentally. I know it's not my fault but I can't help blaming myself. I am thankful for his strength because when he cries or I see him struggle a flood of guilt comes over me. I know that we are to learn something and that everything happens for a reason. I am grateful for my faith in the Lord and for the training I have had. Somedays the only thing that keeps me going is my family and my business with Mary Kay. My team is counting on me to lead them and I can't do that if I am down all the time. Believe it or not Rockstars you lift me up big time thanks for needing me!!

Thanks again to everyone for the continued love and support it means the world to us!!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Sometimes you have to step back to move forward...

So today I talked with Lindsey at Dr. Siddiqi's office and unfortunately the next available appointment to do the surgery isn't till the end of April so we are still going to do it on March 17th.
I asked for a later time so I can still go to Harmony (our school singing group I co-choreograph for) Big Buddah from Fox 13 is coming to see us we are the "Cool School of the Week".

I am nervous about the surgery they will be putting a "bubble" under his skin to help stretch it out so that we can take off the skin graft entirely and so that it won't stick to his bone anymore. The hardest part is it means no prosthetic till it's fully healed which is at least 8 weeks after this procedure. He will go in 2 weeks after to have a little saline put in it and then once a week for 5-7 weeks. I'm not excited but I know it's what we need to do.

I worry because days like today he's been outside, upstairs, downstairs, all over in his prosthetic (and hasn't complained once). It makes me sad to know all through Spring he will not be able to ride his bike or run around. I know I'm a whiner but he's 3 and that's what he should be doing.

On top of that work for Rick has been slow and hopefully will start to pick up. We are looking to have him do a Walmart in the middle of April which takes him (most likely to Texas or the midwest) for 8 weeks. Doing a Walmart will help us get back on our feet and try to get ahead. So it's single mom-hood for me. AND I am working my Mary Kay business as well. It is something I absolutely love doing and it has helped us so much financially through these last few months. Not to mention mentally too. Never thought I'd be so grateful for selling "lipstick" in my life but when it buys the groceries and pays the bills that we can't pay it's so worth it. I am working on doing big things with my business to better help my family out of the hole we are in. If you are a working mom you understand how that feels. (So if anyone is looking for a consultant and would like to help me reach my goals email I'll tell you how you can ;)).

Plus I am training to run the Ragnar Relay in June and possibly riding the MS ride (gotta get a bike first lol). I know I do it to myself but that's what happens when you love your family, love your business and have a love for working out and being on a team.

We'll just ride out these next few months one day at a time. What doesn't kill us will only make us stronger. Please keep my little hero in your prayers so he can have the strength to overcome. He has no clue what's going to happen yet. Not sure how to tell him.

Sometimes you have to step back to move forward...

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The trials we endure...

I realized it's been a long time since I have updated the blog. I've had intentions but life keeps happening. So here goes...(apologizing in advance this isn't much of an update on his progress).
Do you ever wonder what you are working for? What is your goal in life, home, school, work, whatever? I have a lot recently. Sometimes we work so hard and for what? Lately I feel I am in a 10 foot hole with no way to get out. The walls aren't close enough for me to stretch my legs and climb out. I have no way to pull myself out. But its a hole I have dug for myself. With each successful thing I end up falling back down a little more battered and bruised then I was before. And the higher I climb the harder I fall. Well I am tired of being in that damn hole it's dark, depressing, cold and lonely.
Mother Theresa said, "I know God only gives us what He knows we can handle....sometimes I just wish He didn't think as highly of me as He does." Somedays I feel just like Mother Theresa. I know without a doubt that I am great. God gave me gifts and talents unlike any other. I am still searching for all of my talents but I know that I have a power within me. I also know Satan hates it. This accident with Karsen is the HARDEST thing I have ever endured and trust me I've been to hell and back a couple times.
I know I should count my blessings and I do and I should focus on the positive and I do the best I can. But lately I feel as though I have been stripped of all happy thoughts all positive moments. I focus on whats going right in our lives just to be awakened with yet another heartache.
Karsen is due for another surgery and we have been talking to different doctors and been offered options here and there. The hard part is what is the right option. I want the best for Karsen not because I am spoiled and think that but because he deserves it. I hate feeling I have robbed him of so many things but I feel as though it is my job to provide everything for him. That lately has been hard to do because the "best" cost money and time of which I don't have much of either. I get so bogged down with things that I can't think clearly and it makes me want to hide until I find the answer. We were talking with a Dr. in Florida about seeing Karsen he is one of the best but I am feeling ok with not taking Karsen there. The hard part is the money was the main thing that stopped me and there are plenty of amazing doctors here too. We have the bubble surgery scheduled on the 17th but want to postpone it till the first week in April. I wanted to postpone it because of our annual family vacation and only one for a while to Vegas for the Monster Trucks (I know redneck). I know it may not be the best plan to go in our situation but my kids love it and its already paid for. (Rick and I enjoy it too I am looking forward to a break and some sunshine). I wanted to wait on the surgery so that Karsen can use his prosthesis and get around as normal as possible (not a fan of spectators). But now his leg hurts his prosthesis doesn't fit so there goes that idea. I feel stuck, know what do we do. I had made an appointment to see Dr. Paley in Florida but decided to cancel and stick somewhat with the plan we have. Although I really want to work with the Dr in New York. His prosthetic ideas for Karsen make me feel confident in a chance for more normalcy for him as well as greater progression.
The little things really do hurt the most. When I put Karsen in his transformer leg and he can't wear it for more then 20 minutes really sucks. He wants to run! I hate thinking negatively about the summer and don't want to see him on the sidelines playing his stupid DS while the other kids are running around playing. This surgery will set us back for a while and that's what is frustrating. Do I go get a new leg made just to have to make a new one when he's all healed or do I do the surgery and start the healing process despite upcoming events. On top of all of it my amazingly hard working husband Rick has not had a lot of work (it's feast or famine in this business) but has the opportunity of doing a Walmart come April. Great work for him and great pay (help catch us up and get ahead) but sucks to have him gone for 2 months 5 states away. (Trust me I have gained a huge amount of respect for single mothers through these Walmart adventures). Its hard not to be selfish and feel bad that I get left with all the responsibilities. As well as a recovering little guy that depends on me more then most 3 year olds do. Hate to be honest but I feel that is all my fault. I also feel guilty for not working harder myself. I have an amazing opportunity in the palm of my hands and what do I do I play with it not use it more to my families benefit.
I thought I had worked through this I have seen an amazing Life coach and counselor Nadeen and after almost 3 hours or reliving the most painful experience going through every detail and every emotion I felt so much better. I looked at Karsen without blame or guilt right after. Then the damn insurance company sent us a paper basically wondering "who can we blame it on?". Again I know it's not my fault but to write on a paper that they can't blame it on anything or anyone but ME and I'm on the insurance (sorry you have to pay for it) the visions and guilt came flooding back. Since then I've struggled staying in a happy place especially when I feel like everything around me is falling apart. No work for Rick, Karsen's in pain, kids getting sick, my setbacks in my business, my grandma's struggle with cancer (she's one of my most favorite people in the world) and many others.
I want to be the best wife, best mother, best friend, best sister, best daughter/granddaughter, best consultant and best director I know I can be but each area I am struggling. I know that the true test of a woman's character is what it takes to stop her. Well I'm not stopping I may peddle backwards a little or move slowly forward but I will persevere. MY FAMILY DESERVES IT!!
Sorry for being such a whiner I plan to be a WINNER I just need to shake it off and step up. We don't learn from our successes we learn from our failures. All of my kids have taught me so much but the main thing is without all the wonderful material things in life we have each other. We have love, life and so much more to live for.
To all my FB friends thank you for your kind words and tidbits of advice. It helps to know I am loved and supported. I don't usually voice the days that I struggle the most. The days I truly regret the decisions I made that day. I've made a lot of bad choices but don't regret many of them because of the lessons I've learned. I know everything happens for the reason and one day (hopefully sooner then later) I will understand what this is all about. Why this happened and for what reasons. I will know what God's plan for me is. Thanks to everyone that has supported our family. I don't know what I'd do without you. Karsen and I as well as the rest of my family are so much stronger because of the prayers, thoughts, letters, visits, donations and kindness from everyone. I am deeply humbled and full of gratitude to all!!

I will keep you posted on the decisions and progression we make. Still looking for some answers so wish me luck!!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Karsen's due for another Surgery...

Karsen is due for another surgery on St. Patricks day. His Plastic Surgeon is going to go in and remove the Skin Graft and stretch his good skin over and close it so it will all be his smooth skin. If you can't tell Karsen's graft is pretty much attached to his bone. So when he wears his prosthetic it rubs wrong and causes scabbing which makes him uncomfortable. It also makes it hard to put on his transformer leg because he needs it to heal.

When they do the surgery they are going to put in a bubble. Two weeks after the surgery they will go in and slowly fill it will water once a week for 4 weeks. The bubble will help keep the skin from attaching to the bone. After that they will remove the bubble and **fingers crossed** it will look so much better and be able to handle longer wear on his prosthetic. I'm looking forward to that!!

On a more fun note. Karsen is CRAZY and is not afraid of much. Today he started trying to climb the fridge with his feet then the counter then the door. He succeeded after we moved some stuff out of the way and Voila' he is doing handstands up against the door. Love my monkey!!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

There is hope...

Tonight we received this letter and decorated can from these two young adults. They dropped it on our door step and rang the doorbell and left. (How I would love to meet them!!) This kind of service and generosity is not something we would have expected from 16 year olds but here it is. These two have really done more then donated their birthday money to Karsen but they have truly given me hope as a mother. I have so many fears as a mother in these times and these two have give me hope that my children too can prevail through the muck this world is. We are so grateful and hope that Nicole & Jaden do know how truly inspiring they have been. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!