Thursday, February 25, 2010

The trials we endure...

I realized it's been a long time since I have updated the blog. I've had intentions but life keeps happening. So here goes...(apologizing in advance this isn't much of an update on his progress).
Do you ever wonder what you are working for? What is your goal in life, home, school, work, whatever? I have a lot recently. Sometimes we work so hard and for what? Lately I feel I am in a 10 foot hole with no way to get out. The walls aren't close enough for me to stretch my legs and climb out. I have no way to pull myself out. But its a hole I have dug for myself. With each successful thing I end up falling back down a little more battered and bruised then I was before. And the higher I climb the harder I fall. Well I am tired of being in that damn hole it's dark, depressing, cold and lonely.
Mother Theresa said, "I know God only gives us what He knows we can handle....sometimes I just wish He didn't think as highly of me as He does." Somedays I feel just like Mother Theresa. I know without a doubt that I am great. God gave me gifts and talents unlike any other. I am still searching for all of my talents but I know that I have a power within me. I also know Satan hates it. This accident with Karsen is the HARDEST thing I have ever endured and trust me I've been to hell and back a couple times.
I know I should count my blessings and I do and I should focus on the positive and I do the best I can. But lately I feel as though I have been stripped of all happy thoughts all positive moments. I focus on whats going right in our lives just to be awakened with yet another heartache.
Karsen is due for another surgery and we have been talking to different doctors and been offered options here and there. The hard part is what is the right option. I want the best for Karsen not because I am spoiled and think that but because he deserves it. I hate feeling I have robbed him of so many things but I feel as though it is my job to provide everything for him. That lately has been hard to do because the "best" cost money and time of which I don't have much of either. I get so bogged down with things that I can't think clearly and it makes me want to hide until I find the answer. We were talking with a Dr. in Florida about seeing Karsen he is one of the best but I am feeling ok with not taking Karsen there. The hard part is the money was the main thing that stopped me and there are plenty of amazing doctors here too. We have the bubble surgery scheduled on the 17th but want to postpone it till the first week in April. I wanted to postpone it because of our annual family vacation and only one for a while to Vegas for the Monster Trucks (I know redneck). I know it may not be the best plan to go in our situation but my kids love it and its already paid for. (Rick and I enjoy it too I am looking forward to a break and some sunshine). I wanted to wait on the surgery so that Karsen can use his prosthesis and get around as normal as possible (not a fan of spectators). But now his leg hurts his prosthesis doesn't fit so there goes that idea. I feel stuck, know what do we do. I had made an appointment to see Dr. Paley in Florida but decided to cancel and stick somewhat with the plan we have. Although I really want to work with the Dr in New York. His prosthetic ideas for Karsen make me feel confident in a chance for more normalcy for him as well as greater progression.
The little things really do hurt the most. When I put Karsen in his transformer leg and he can't wear it for more then 20 minutes really sucks. He wants to run! I hate thinking negatively about the summer and don't want to see him on the sidelines playing his stupid DS while the other kids are running around playing. This surgery will set us back for a while and that's what is frustrating. Do I go get a new leg made just to have to make a new one when he's all healed or do I do the surgery and start the healing process despite upcoming events. On top of all of it my amazingly hard working husband Rick has not had a lot of work (it's feast or famine in this business) but has the opportunity of doing a Walmart come April. Great work for him and great pay (help catch us up and get ahead) but sucks to have him gone for 2 months 5 states away. (Trust me I have gained a huge amount of respect for single mothers through these Walmart adventures). Its hard not to be selfish and feel bad that I get left with all the responsibilities. As well as a recovering little guy that depends on me more then most 3 year olds do. Hate to be honest but I feel that is all my fault. I also feel guilty for not working harder myself. I have an amazing opportunity in the palm of my hands and what do I do I play with it not use it more to my families benefit.
I thought I had worked through this I have seen an amazing Life coach and counselor Nadeen and after almost 3 hours or reliving the most painful experience going through every detail and every emotion I felt so much better. I looked at Karsen without blame or guilt right after. Then the damn insurance company sent us a paper basically wondering "who can we blame it on?". Again I know it's not my fault but to write on a paper that they can't blame it on anything or anyone but ME and I'm on the insurance (sorry you have to pay for it) the visions and guilt came flooding back. Since then I've struggled staying in a happy place especially when I feel like everything around me is falling apart. No work for Rick, Karsen's in pain, kids getting sick, my setbacks in my business, my grandma's struggle with cancer (she's one of my most favorite people in the world) and many others.
I want to be the best wife, best mother, best friend, best sister, best daughter/granddaughter, best consultant and best director I know I can be but each area I am struggling. I know that the true test of a woman's character is what it takes to stop her. Well I'm not stopping I may peddle backwards a little or move slowly forward but I will persevere. MY FAMILY DESERVES IT!!
Sorry for being such a whiner I plan to be a WINNER I just need to shake it off and step up. We don't learn from our successes we learn from our failures. All of my kids have taught me so much but the main thing is without all the wonderful material things in life we have each other. We have love, life and so much more to live for.
To all my FB friends thank you for your kind words and tidbits of advice. It helps to know I am loved and supported. I don't usually voice the days that I struggle the most. The days I truly regret the decisions I made that day. I've made a lot of bad choices but don't regret many of them because of the lessons I've learned. I know everything happens for the reason and one day (hopefully sooner then later) I will understand what this is all about. Why this happened and for what reasons. I will know what God's plan for me is. Thanks to everyone that has supported our family. I don't know what I'd do without you. Karsen and I as well as the rest of my family are so much stronger because of the prayers, thoughts, letters, visits, donations and kindness from everyone. I am deeply humbled and full of gratitude to all!!

I will keep you posted on the decisions and progression we make. Still looking for some answers so wish me luck!!